Wow, March was a long month. Our season opener feels like ages ago, and now we’re gearing up for our next home bout on April 9th. We played a familiar foe, tough competition and a proclaimed rival. We dominated, struggled and overcame. Looking towards this next bout against the Kansas Roller Warriors: Plan B team, I feel weary and uncertain.
|Episode 1, 2 and 3.|
Before Back in Black, we worked hard and needed the release that a bout brings; playing other skaters and having all eyes on us, but now I’m starting to fear I blew my load as Twinkletoes in that first one.
brought a different surface and new opposition, so of course I wasn’t going to perform perfectly, but I felt my contribution was poorer. By the time the Dames rolled around, my body was punishing me with sickness and as I took that line for the first time, my legs shook. The first time is always nerve-wracking but I couldn’t shake it. It wasn’t a lack of confidence or decisiveness, it just felt like I had lost a bit of my GoGoGo. Like the Millennium Falcon revving up for hyperspace and failing. It didn’t help that you could just forget whatever wheels you brought to 7 Flags, because they were all equal to rocks on your feet after a layer of sugar and dirt got wrapped around them. Madison
Exhaustion and sickness kept me from practice Sunday and last night just felt bad. It could be the snot infestation in my nose, being over-worked or just a bad attitude, but I don’t like this feeling. I’m drowning in Derbyland instead of flourishing. I look down at the wheels on my feet and wonder why the fuck I’m skating in circles. I read my blog and wonder who really cares what Small Town
is doing. I feel like a child with power as a board memeber. I’m broke, my room is a mess and I can't do all the video endeavors I want to do. I’m unable to maintain control of my life at all times and the moment I let go, it all seems to crumble. USA
I know I am capable and the answers are all there, it’s just hard to see the light most of the time. It’s a bit comforting to get online and see other people living lives immersed in derby and to know I am not completely insane. It’s also inspiring to see our fresh meat doing so well, so I must be doing something right. I think Animal and I have a nice balance with coaching, but we wouldn’t be getting anywhere without their drive and great attitudes.
They’re scrimmaging now. It’s like we’ve dropped them off at college. They’re out on their own and they still have a lot to learn, but they’re growing up so fast. Most of their progression will come from experience and trying new things, but we're still here to give them a little guidance. They’re improving so quickly, which also means that I need to be constantly working harder. There will always be skaters better than me as well as new skaters with the potential to surpass me.
I have a week to get out of my head and back in my feet. It’s going to be a long season so I need to pace myself instead of sprinting to the end. It’s time to clear my head of this funk and work on my health, my life and my derby. I am in charge of my own destiny and dwelling in my failures isn’t going to get me anywhere. Neither is writing depressing blog posts, so now that this is out of my system, I will see you on the track.
Highlights from Back in Black, one thing I feel accomplished about.