The Derby Monster Ate My Life

Derby has been consuming so much of my life lately I’m not sure there’s a non-derby bone left in my body. The team is my full time, non-paying job. The fresh meat are my children, the vets are my needy girlfriends; it’s an interesting family. If I’m not busy worrying about my PR committee, I’m going to a board meeting, a roster meeting, or sitting down to create practices with Animal. I’m making contacts for events, printing flyers, hanging flyers, creating, designing, planning, thinking, stressing over everything. I go through brief moments of defeat and want to give it all up, and other moments of complete and utter derby love.

I got thinking recently when a non-derby friend asked if I ever had time for other things. My mind kind of went blank as I tried to think of what these “other things” might be. So I hypothetically removed derby from my life and tried to imagine what would be left. There wasn’t much, and it made me a little concerned. Everyone I spend time with is in derby or related to derby. I’m constantly making failed promises to hang out with non-derby friends and slowly diverting from anything else I used to do. As for my plan to either take more classes or find a better paying job… well I suppose that’s been on hold for a while. I have two part time jobs and I’m continually floundering. My brain is constantly in the here and now and what needs done this week, and never in the long term life-goals mindset.

I know a lot of this over thinking is just pre-season stress, because all work and no play makes Deadwards a frustrated girl. It is bout week, with our season opener this Saturday, so I have 50 zillion things to do and the bout will be my reward. I look forward to that and then realize that there’s five more home bouts and lots of things I want to see the team accomplish this year, so there really won’t be much more time for me to breathe. Especially since we’re kicking off our season with 3 bouts in a row; 1 home and 2 away. (Quad Cities 3/12, Unholy Rollers of the Mad Rollin Dolls 3/19 and Des Moines Derby Dames 3/26.)

Bout day will come and the whole league will be at the Marriott for a majority of the day, setting up, getting ready, and warming up. Then the doors will open and I will mentally deal with the fact that the Marriott is or is not full of people. It feels like a test for me and the PR committee, to see if we’ve been doing enough and if our efforts will pay off.  Then it’s time to skate. Intros can be kind of horrifying. Everyone’s eyes are only on you for one lap, and after I nearly tripped coming out of the curtain at Full Metal Derby last year, I get overly anxious. Next, the bout begins. If I’m jamming first, my nerves are tingling and my stomach is in knots. This first jam sets the bout, the team’s mood, and my performance. After that, it all just happens… until the last jam.

More times than not, I tend to be the jammer in the final few minutes of a bout. In our first ever bout against the Quad Cities in June of ’09, I huffed and puffed my way through the pack, but couldn’t manage to snag a few more points. Everyone thought we won, but the scoreboard updated and we ended up losing by three. Despite the loss, this was our first bout and I was wearing a fucking tutu (never again); it was pretty impressive.

This past June however, we had quite the lead on the Stateline Derby Divas and managed to jam every single person on the bench. Bang couldn’t stay out of the box as jammer, so with a few nods and a pivot panty on my head, the plan to pass the star was set. I toed the line and after a lap or two, Bang entered with the star and handed it off to me. I threw it on and before anyone knew what happened, I was coming around to score. It was fun to actually pull off a not often used strategy in a bout.

The next bout was in Des Moines, versus MIR; the one that still has a tender spot in my derby heart. I had been jamming a majority of the night and was all out exhausted. It was nearing the end and I told Tynamite that I couldn’t jam anymore, only block. After a few jams, it was down to the wire and I took the jam line anyway. This was it. I believe we had a small lead so all I had to do was get through first and call it off. I was nearly through and instead I got called off. I sat in the box and cried as we lost the bout.

Following that was an intense bout against the LaCrosse Skating Sirens. The score was pretty close the whole bout and we were down by a handful of points when I was on the jam line in the final minutes. There was some confusing between the refs and the benches and suddenly the jam was starting. Half the Sirens weren’t present in the pack and as they tried to take the line they were waved off for not being ready at the start of the jam. After the initial pass their jammer and a blocker visited the box which left one Siren on the track against me and two blockers. I skated until I was certain we had the lead and called it off. We won, but due to confusing and error, it didn’t feel well deserved.

To say the least, I’m a little nervous about Saturday. Not only will I be participating in a sport, I am helping cultivate a business. I want us as a team perform well, and as a league be successful. I also hope with each bout, we are reaching a little further and getting more and more people interested in this dynamic sport that I feel so passionate about. Roller derby doesn’t bring us fame or fortune. We don’t get scholarships or professional drafts or loads of money; the pay off is an intangible thing. I have instead earned a confidence, a family and a hunger for more. I just hope all my friends outside of Derbyland understand if I don’t ever come back.

-L4D

Full Metal Derby.

Last Saturday I think we lived out our "Kill! Kill! Kill!" philosophy to its greatest extent in our Full Metal Derby bout. We took on the Stateline Derby Divas and skated away with a 303 to 69 victory. The Warrior was unfortunately out for the Divas, and it sounds like they played a handful of newbies like, Marilyn Monsoon, Sookie Smackhouse, and RBQue who all played fiercely and never quit, even when Bat R Up had her way with them. (She hungers for fresh meat.) We were holding our usual strong front walls and kept our eyes and asses on their jammers, which allowed for our jammers to hold their own as they all had multiple passes through the pack. Myself and GLADi8HER both had 27 point jams, and a stellar 37 point jam by Ophelia Fracture.

Beware of the Kraken

With Furyis Jorge still laid up with her Furyis Fibula and Hitzy Blonde still recovering from her bionic knee, Holm Wrecker and Gigahurtz were able to finally pop their bout cherries. They, along with everyone else on the team, had a go at jamming that evening and skated beautifully. Although I’m beginning to think people are living out their derby names too literally as Gigahurtz ended her evening early with a hurt finger, dislocating it and popping it back, in a matter of minutes. A lesson in keeping your hands off the track.This was minor compared to CK Ann Destroy from the Divas who was taken away in an ambulance. Later I was told she only tweaked her knee, although please correct me if I’m wrong.

After launching ourselves into an impressive lead early on, we used this bout to work on new things and practice strategy. One thing we did which we don’t do too often is “poodling”. In derby you have minor penalties and major penalties. A minor backblock for instance would be touching the back of the girl in front of you with your arms as you enter the pack. You may not have moved her stance or forward motion, but you obviously made contact with her back. A major would be flying into the pack and knocking her to her knees by pushing into her back. Now you are knocking her off her feet or changing her speed with an illegal block. You may only receive four of these minors before it results in a major penalty and you are sent off the track.

Old Yeller, is a poodle? Along with OFX.

Let’s say Tynamite (our bench coach, duh) wanted to send Ophelia Fracture (OFX) in to jam, but she notices that OFX has 3 minors. She wouldn’t want to send OFX in as a jammer with the potential of her receiving a fourth minor, sending our scoring skater to the box. By sending OFX in as a blocker instead and have her start behind the jammers, she receives her fourth minor for illegal procedure and is sent to the box. This way we are skating only a blocker short one jam so that OFX may go in next as a jammer with a clean slate. This ladies and gentlemen, is called “poodling”.

Another strategic move we tried out is called “passing the star”. This is a rarely seen tactic in derby but it sure gets everyone’s ‘panties’ in a twist to see it happen. During a jam there are two helmet covers on the floor for a team’s lineup. You have the pivot, who starts at the front of the pack and wears a cover with a single stripe down the center. The jammer, who starts on the second line, wears a cover with a star on each side. The jammer cover, or panty, seems obvious in recognizing the score earning skater for each team. The pivot panty always seems a little vague in its purpose. The pivot is essentially a blocker but *should* stay on the line and control the pace of the pack. Really, they can skate wherever they’d like in the pack (right, Sugar?).

But alas, the girl wearing the pivot panty is the only blocker who has the potential to become a jammer, mid-jam! This is what is known as “passing the star”. The jammer may remove her star panty and physically hand it to the pivot, who then puts it on over her pivot panty and takes off as the new jammer, leaving the previous one a blocker. This could happen because the jammer is tired, can’t get through the pack, or just wants to sneak an awesome play on the other team.

I was put in as a pivot in the final jam of the night with Benzo Bang sneaking out of the penalty box, handing the star off to me. I took off past a very confused Diva to break the final score over 300. Even though I ended the bout in the penalty box, it was exhilarating to end the bout to such a pumped up crowd, (even if they didn’t know what just happened.) 

Look out MIR.

-L4D

The 2010 Season Begins.

    Almost exactly a year ago I joined the Old Capitol City Roller Girls team in Iowa City, and 2009 with them was quite a year. Since then we have tripled size, went through a change of ownership, gained experience, and worked out most of the kinks of putting on a home bout. Last year was full of trial and error and I am feeling good about this new season and looking forward to really pushing myself as a skater. I would like to use my experience with derby as subject matter for my BFA project for my final year in college as well. This blog will hopefully bring the two together cohesively and may go through a few changes as I figure out exactly the route this project will take.

    To kick off the season we participated in the Four Rollers of the Apocalypse, a mixer hosted by the lovely Quad City Rollers. There were over 70 skaters participating from our team, QCR, Chicago Outfit, Muddy River Nightmares, Rockford Rage, Stateline Roller Derby Divas, and the Mad Rollin' Dolls. Everyone was split into four teams: Dames of Death (green), Women of War (red), Femmes of Famine (black) and the Queens of Conquest (white). The night was made up of three bouts, two half our bouts which decided the final two teams for a full length bout. 
    Round one, the Queens went up against the Femmes and won 70-35. I was a Dame of Death and we lost against the Women of War by ONE point (48-47). We had a slow start but Sweet Mary Pain skated her spunky little heart out to try and win it at the last minute, so it was a good fight. I wasn't feeling quite up to par, so when I about gave up mentally on jamming, I scored us four points. I was having a hard time getting past Gaygan, so I decided I needed to work hard on my endurance and agility to find holes and get through the pack quickly this season. As this pictures proves, I did get around her eventually..

    This put the Queens of Conquest against the Women of War for a pretty brutal final bout. It was fun to see our own girls mixed up and pitted against each other. Bat'R Up was rutheless against GLADi8HER, who took quite a beating in that last hour. The final score was the Queens on top with 105-84 (I think.. I need to double check).

   It was an awesome night, and we got to meet a bunch of awesome teams, and scour their merch tables, (Team Unicorn was a popular buy from our team, the name of Madison's travel team). Not to mention my sister, Sarah, and video inspiration John Pemble made the trek from Des Moines to see me play for the first time. This should become an annual thing so if you missed it this time around, be prepared to attend next year's apocalypse.

-Left4Deadwards