Treading Water

I come across a lot of people who never succeed because they undermine themselves before they can even get started. A minor roadblock, an undesirable situation, other people getting in your way-- those are all things that may set you back, but you are just throwing yourself under the bus by saying you “can’t.” But the effects don’t stop there, these Negative Nancys become an energy suck that turn into black holes and start to bring others down around them too. This is incredibly dangerous for team sports like Roller Derby.

State Archives of Florida, Florida Memory

Whatever minor challenges you might be encountering lately probably seem like nothing compared to the goal Diana Nyad set out to achieve when she was 28: swim in open water from Cuba to Florida. She not only trained hard for the 110 mile swim, with the threat of sharks and jellyfish in the water, she failed. She failed multiple times. That of course did not stop her, and climbing onto the beach with shaky legs, dehydrated and hallucinating, she finished her goal at age 67.

Nyad’s story is inspiring on many levels. Not only did she accomplish a huge feat with many elements against her, but she failed four times before achieving it. When she finally completed her mission, she swam for 52 hours and 54 minutes, non-stop, throwing up most of the way. She put her body through misery to prove, mostly to herself, that she could succeed.

A lifelong swimmer, her training obviously got her in the water, but it was her mind that kept her going. Her mantra was to “Find a way. You don't like it? It's not doing well? Find a way”.

When I first started derby, I was still in college. I was treading water with an art degree, not really sure which direction I wanted to take. After discovering I liked editing video, I incorporated my other interest by doing a 20 minute documentary on Roller Derby and my league. When I wasn’t in other classes or at practice, I was living at the Studio Arts building, working on the documentary. I was amazed at how productive I really could be when pushed to my limit and striving for something great. It was a hard and miserable process at times, but it is something I look back on and feel very proud of. 

Still from my documentary.

It is also one of the things that makes me feel crappy about where I’m at now. Knowing what my full potential can be sheds a harsh light on what I am doing now. Again, I feel like i’m treading water, now with a degree and thousands of dollars of debt. I am not sure I entirely had a plan for when I finished college, but once I started derby, it became my new plan.

After nearly five years being involved with Derby, I started to think I could do everything and know everything. I have become a little too focused on myself and what I think and forgot that it takes the whole team to be successful. Bringing a bunch of people together to run a volunteer business is not easy sailing. If we want to play the sport we love we have to work hard to make the business run first. There are lots of different pieces that have to come together put on fun events, bring in more fans, to have a working website or efficient practices. One person slacking can make the whole thing tumble. When you are being a Negative Nancy on the track, then it is going to bring the game down for everyone else. Roller Derby can only work with teamwork, on and off the track.

If you're new to derby you need to know you’re going to fall. You are going to hurt. Some skills may not come easy to you. Other people will excel quicker than you. Sticking with it, and pushing yourself will keep you off the floor, it will strengthen your derby muscles to keep soreness at bay, and pass your skills. No one will do it for you, you have to say yes and do it for yourself.

It doesn’t stop there. Experienced skaters need to realize that you will probably plateau. A new skater may rise to quicker and better success than you. You might get injured. Just like your life, your derby career is what you make of it. If you work hard it will show, if you keep a good attitude it will rub off on others. You want your team to do better? Start with yourself. 

Marathon swimming looks like an individual sport on the surface, but it took a whole team to get her to Florida. She swam for nearly 55 hours by herself, but the trainers, navigators and friends cheering her on would be pointless if she gave up. 

It’s no doubt what Diane did was amazing, but this shouldn’t be something to merely marvel at. Be inspired. Take your game, your passion, your life to the next level. Treading water may keep you above water, but you have got to push harder if you want to get anywhere. 

Mad Skills

Change is hard.

The new WFTDA minimum skills requirements were released yesterday and already there are a lot of opinions. Apparently there are some people looking down on skaters who may struggle with these skills, which I've seen less of, and others who feel these requirements are setting the bar too high. 

This year is seeing a lot of new changes in the way tournaments and rankings are organized, the updated rules and now the MSR revision. This is an important time in Roller Derby because we are growing immensely, and with that we have to respond to growing pains. People wanted more competitive, evenly matched bouts and the WFTDA responded with Divisions. People complained about slow derby and the rules, and minors were done away with in the newest version of the rules, leaving a faster, harder game. People boast about the athleticism of the sport now, and wanting to be taken seriously, and I feel that raising the bar on what skills skaters should have is necessary to keep propelling our organization. 

These skills weren't just pulled out of a hat nor did they time Bonnie Thunders on laps and declare that the new standard. The skills were voted on and tested by member leagues, which means they're realistic and doable. As a middle of the road league, we've played some very high competition and it can be quite terrifying. I remember in 2011 I was pretty certain I was an awesome skater and there wasn't much more I could learn, and then we played a version of the Minnesota Rollergirl All-Stars and my world was rocked. The only way we can advance as leagues and skaters is to push ourselves and set goals that will bring us to a high level of competition. 

I don't generally practice skating on one foot, but having a diverse set of skills has me prepared for almost anything. Photo by Danforth Johnson.

Some of the concerns that have been put out there are that this will discourage new skaters, that it will hurt smaller leagues and that WFTDA is being exclusive. I think people are blurring the edges of what roller derby is as a whole and what becoming a WFTDA member league means. 

The first thing to keep in mind is that these requirements are for chartered skaters playing WFTDA bouts. Leagues can set their own standards for leveling up new skaters, home team skaters, or B team skaters. Hopefully leagues were already setting a higher standard for their All-Star and charter teams. Putting a skater on the track with only the old minimum skills is unsafe for the skater and others, and they become a liability to their team. With these higher standards, it should bring a cohesiveness to your roster and a clear vision of what sort of game you should be bringing to the track every bout. 

These updated skills can't, and shouldn't be ending Roller Derby for any leagues out there. For non-WFTDA leagues, it is another reason to work hard and earn a status as a member-league. For newer WFTDA leagues, you had a voice in this decision, and any concerns should have been voiced previously. Your voice doesn't end there either, the WFTDA is open to feedback on published things as they were about the recently revised rules. Non-sanctioned games can also be played until the skills are passed, so there is no reason to say that this is a career ender. If this is what is going to discourage people from staying committed, then I think there are other issues at hand. 

Most people don't know what they can do until they try something new. At the gym our league works out in, we sometimes do box jumps. The tallest box they have is 26 inches which I can do fairly easily. Our trainer saw that some of us reached our max height and started adding 3" thick weights on top, starting with one. I looked at it, feeling fairly sure I could do it, and I did. He added another. This was more daunting but I made it, barely. He put a third one on and I was almost certain it would be impossible. I jumped, and probably faltered the first time, but did it again until I could do it steadily. It's amazing what people can accomplish when they come face to face with a challenge. Like this guy...

We have got to be pushed and encouraged to do new things or we will never know what we are capable of. These skills will be a challenge, and there are some people who will probably never ace them. A place on a charter should be an earned spot, not a given, and competitive skating is what we should strive for. To put on entertaining bouts and make money, to promote our sport and be taken seriously, we have got to put a good product out there and to do that we have to raise the bar.

Roller Derby is an all inclusive sport, and you can find a spot for pretty much anyone interested in joining. Becoming a WFTDA league means playing high level derby, representing the face of competitive play, and encouraging growth and development. I suppose you could call that elite, but I see it as more of adjective than a noun. We should all want to be and play the best of the best.

My last concern is hearing all of this outcry within the first 24 hours of the minimum skills being released. Have you even tried them yet? As I mentioned, there has been a lot of change in only the last four months. Bouts haven't really picked up until March, so much of this stuff has yet to really been played out and seen for what it is. We are all in this together, and we all want to play really great Roller Derby. Do me a favor, please stop being so negative, no matter which "side" you are on, and lets work together to figure out what is best for our future.

-L4D
P.S. This is what a reverse crossover looks like:


WFTDA's MSR Release
Regarding Rule 1.1
Little Anecdote - "New WFTDA Minimum Skills - let's chat."
Moxie McMurder on Lead Jammer Magazine - "New Minimum Skills Highlights the Dark Side of Derby"
Gin & Fishnets - "The New WFTDA Minimum Skills"
Electra Q-tion - "The New Minimum Skills...and?"
A newer skater's perspective: Meg on Skates 
Booty Quake from Roller Derby Athletics - "They're New But Are They Improved?"

No Excuses: No Train No Gain

Being part of a team and having a regular schedule can really hold you accountable, but why is singular exercise so hard? Our league gets minimal time on the track so working out on my own and cross-training is vital. When you are too low on funds to join a gym, or struggling to keep sweating on your own because it is -20 degrees outside, you have to get creative.

Try something new. Swimming is always touted as an awesome full-body workout and praised for its low impact on your joints. Sounds perfect for a derby skater, right? Well, I went to the rec center and bought a 10-punch pass to swim laps. I looked up a swim workout because in my head swimming back and forth didn’t sound like much of a workout. I was wrong. Swimming is hard! And I kind of suck at it. I managed to cheat through childhood swim lessons without opening my eyes or breathing under water. I need to just do it (or get a nose pincher) and maybe freestyle won’t look so much like drowning.

Straight swimming is enough of a workout, but isolating the arm stroke or getting a kickboard and using your legs is a great way to strengthen either. You can also just grab some friends (especially friends with kids!) and play around for awhile. Either way it is a great way to escape the bitter winter or have some fun while feeling the burn. Extra bonus if your facility has a hot tub!

30 minutes of swimming (vigorously): 375 calories

D.I.Y. your workout. You don’t need a gym or fancy equipment to get a good workout. Body weight exercises are highly effective, or finding objects around the house to help you work harder is cheap and easy as well. The internet is full of suggestions, but the key is keeping your workouts to a rapid pace. I follow Get-Fit-Naturally and Fit Chicks on Facebook and they always have inspiring posts and almost daily workouts. If you keep them high interval then it takes no time at all. Be sure not to over do it and please listen to your body. Give yourself rest days, make sure you don't strength train back to back days. 

I've done many sweat sessions in my tiny living room. 

Strength training plus cardio equals and even better workout. If it's too cold to go for a run, turn on some music and start dancing. 

30 minutes of circuit training: 300 calories.

30 minutes of dancing: 170 calories.

Kid's play. Jumping rope either makes me think of recess or Rocky. Again, you can ask Google about different kinds of rope jumping workouts. Hop on one foot, alternate feet, double-unders, jump for endurance... it is a lot more vigorous than you might think. 

If you think Roller Derby is an obscure sport, check out the USA Jump Rope Grand Nationals. And holy shit the speed competitions... 

Another past time that can kick your butt is cycling. It was 35 degrees out and with the approriate layers I went on a 20 mile bike ride and felt awesome. I am still getting into that whole biking thing (everyone here is obsessed with RAGBRAI.) but with my new bike I powered through those hills! If you want to keep it indoors, go check out a spin class at your local gym, or buy a stationary bike trainer for your personal bike. 

15 minutes of fast jump roping: 150-200 calories.

30 minutes of vigorous biking: 300 calories. 

Tough it out. Sometimes all I want to do is just go for a run. I've always avoided winter running in the past because I am a klutz and Iowa is COLD, but I finally tried it this winter. I have some trail running shoes so they have some grip on the bottom, and I haven't had any problems yet. I've asked around about those Yak Trax you attach to your shoes and most people say they aren't worth it. Since you are bracing yourself as you run, I think of it more as trail running which can burn more calories. 

The key is to dress in smart layers. You don't need to dress like Randy did for school, but you don't want to leave much skin exposed. As you run your body will warm up, so look for lightweight, moisture-wicking clothes, and don't forget the hat and gloves. The thing I always forget about is my face and neck, so grab a bandana on the way out or some sort of neck warmer. If it's super slushy outside, I've read that people have put plastic baggies over their feet inside their shoes so they don't freeze. 

30 minutes of winter running: up to 500 calories.

Free skate! 

Free Skate. Hit up your local rink or free skates opportunities!! Even if you're just skating in circles the more time on skates the better. Try some footwork you are having a hard time with; transitions, sideways skating, skating on one foot, hopping, etc. Play with your trucks and see if maybe you like them looser. This is FREE time to try new things, experiment with your gear, and impress the locals. Or just hold hands with your derby wife and sing along to songs from high school. If anything, sport your derby best and hope to recruit a few interested people.

30 minutes of recreational skating: 230 calories.

Yoga. So I am not big into yoga, but wouldn't mind doing more of it. I know a lot of derby skaters who  swear by yoga; hot, power, whatever, and make it part of their regular schedule. It may not seems as vigorous as other exercises in the usual sense, but I see it as a good strengthening and body maintenance exercise. The stretching can help with soreness, improve your joint fluidity and relax your mind as well. The few times I've tried it, again underestimating it, holding the different poses is hard and forces you to concentrate on things like your core. There are many different kinds that offer different benefits, so look into which kind is right for you.

60 minutes of yoga: 175-500 calories (depending on type of yoga.)


Train like an Olympian. Apollo Ohno's dryland workout included 45 minutes of stairs... (And then a 1 mile warm down.)

Still looking for more? Look up your favorite Olympic or professional athletes and check out the crazy workout schedules they have. These athletes workout nearly everyday and work tirelessly to improve their bodies and skill. I wish that I could just devote my life to training, but I still have to pay the bills and feed my cat. So until I win the lottery, I just have to force myself to workout when I'm tired, sore, or just not in the mood. It's so worth it.

Note: Calorie counts were based off my body weight and suggested intensity. It was intended to show effectiveness of  different workouts. Results may vary. Also remember, I am no expert. This is all information I've gathered over time and experience. Enjoy!

No Excuses: Introduction
No Excuses: Mental Training
No Excuses: Dynamic Warm Ups

Burn Out

I’m bad at putting my laundry away. I don’t have a washer or dryer at home so I have to venture out with a giant basket of clothes and by the time I get it all home I throw it on the ground and forget about it. Then when I’m desperately looking for one specific shirt, or a matching sock I start sifting through the basket and the clothes spill onto the floor. Then they start forming piles of slightly worn, dirty, and did this even get washed?

I’ve been running around kind of crazily lately so the laundry was starting to creep out of my room and taking over other rooms. And then the dishes were piling up and the cat box desperately needed cleaned so I just started leaving the house because I couldn’t stand looking at the mess that I kept telling myself that I had no time to clean up…

I was overwhelmed.

Thursday I came home and finally cleared off the kitchen table. Which meant I had to put some dishes in the sink so I had to finally wash them. The odor of litter was distracting so I finally cleaned it and swept the bathroom and picked up some dirty clothes to put in the hamper which finally motivated me to put my clean (?) clothes away… I calmly and coolly put everything in its place and swept and washed and vacuumed and felt much better about life. I looked around and realized that washing a dish after I use it and putting that shirt away that I didn’t end up wearing would keep the place much cleaner for longer rather than just throwing stuff around.

The calm feeling that washed over me while methodically cleaning my house and the renewed feeling afterwards kind of made me feel better about... roller derby.

Photo by Ken Mitchell

This year, my fourth year of playing roller derby, I got burnt out. I was on the board, I was a coach, PR head, WFTDA rep, and of course, skater. None of those positions I felt got carried out to their full potential because I try to do everything I can at the same time and soon little things start piling up because something will ultimately get ignored. Those little things start adding up to bigger things and then I give up until they become crucial and then half-ass it in a fit of frustration.

I’m bad at delegating. Or letting go of control. I almost wanted to quit multiple times over stupid things. I barely blogged all year because my relationship with derby was on the verge of breaking and I felt dumb and embarrassed and less invested as time went on. This is just a neurotic thing, but there were times I felt I couldn’t even wear the Deadwards face necklace Bang made me because I felt so disconnected from the enthusiasm and love I had for derby two years ago.

And it’s not just my derby life, but real life too. Living in a college town I watch students around me picking their majors, graduating, and finding careers while two years out of college I still have no clue what I’m doing and make myself feel bad about it. Debts, bills, and an uncertain future are heavy and I let them weigh me down. Soon it’s just like my laundry and I look around exasperated, and then give up.

If you haven’t noticed yet, all these stresses and problems are all things I’m doing to myself. I do admit I have a bit of an abusive relationship with myself, but it’s always for the best, I swear! The upside to that is that I also have the ability to fix my problems. I read a lot of books about mental training this year and the biggest thing I picked up is that we DO have the ability to change and most of our downfalls are mental. I need to spend less time on “look at this problem! It’s such a problem! Look at this thing inconveniencing me!” and more on how to solve my problem. Being more proactive about potential problems is the key to maintaining sanity.

I also need to focus more on the good things in life. My blog, much like my journal, starts to become a place to just bitch about problems and then I fear the record of my life will just be a string of complaints and bad feelings so then I just stop writing all together. I need to make an effort to write down and celebrate the happy times too.

I have fun sometimes, I swear

SO. Going into the New Year, I think I will actually make some resolutions despite how cheesy and cliché that is.

1. BE PROACTIVE. If I stay on top of responsibilities they won’t become problems.
2. NO EXCUSES. (aka STOP BITCHING) I started a series of No Excuses articles and I need to first, finish them, and second follow them.
3. DELEGATE. Spread the responsibilities and don’t feel like I need to do everything. Focus on myself from time to time.
4. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I get too high anxiety, high strung, crazy about life sometimes. Everything will be ok. The world isn’t ending… Wait, oh crap…
5. STAY POSITIVE AND MAKE IT CONTAGIOUS. Stop mentally beating myself up about things and keep my morale up. Attitudes are contagious, so hopefully I can keep other people (i.e. my team) happy and positive and not let them get burnt out either. 

Cleaning my apartment made me realize that I shouldn't lose hope about other things in my life. If I drop the excuses, delegate and be proactive about some of my responsibilities, and just stay positive and just CALM THE FUCK DOWN from time to time I can make it all work. 

-L4D

Learning from Losing

Photo by Patrick Bloom.

I don’t think I can say this enough: I hate losing.

I am trying to teach myself to find success in small victories. August 25th we played the Mid Iowa Rollers, which has been an emotional match up for me in the past, and I didn’t cry, I didn’t give up, and I didn’t get mad. There were moments that my brain started to drift, but I recognized those destructive feelings and chose not to react to them. Yes, it sucked that were down by up to 100 points, it sucked that we were heavy on penalties, and it sucked that we had a hard time in the first half, but there is no value in should/would/could of statements. 

We did have some pretty great defense of our own, holding their jammers for long periods of time, and stopping the point hemorrhaging. Towards the end I had a 20 point jam, with their jammer on the track, due to the wonderful blocking of my teammates. It helped the crowd get excited and kept us pumped. It wasn’t enough to win the bout, but we did cut their lead in half. That felt good.

I have been playing roller derby for nearly four years and every week I am learning something new about myself or the game. When we first started, we played a wide range of competitors, trying to find our feet and our skill level. We were pretty decent as a newer team, so there were a few blowouts in our favor that we marked down as wins and made us feel good. It's easy to get 20 point jams in lopsided competition, and it's easier to play controlled defense against fresh jammers. Of course, playing against any team is going to give us some feedback of how we play together, and let us try new things, but it's not going to push us as hard to improve and find our weaknesses. 

The first time we played a version of the Minnesota Rollergirl All-Stars, and I reference this bout often, I instantly got frustrated and upset. It was HARD and my instinct was to hide. Looking back I realize I just had not gone up against that caliber of blocking yet and I hadn't developed my mental game well enough to deal with it. I despised losing, and anytime we struggled I would instantly go into panic mode, which would affect my jamming, which would piss me off, which would send me spiraling into a sloppy mess. 

In the star, lots of eyes are on you. Especially when you fall. It sucks and is embarrassing, but all you can do is get back up.  Photo by KORfan.

 About 90% of the time we are on skates, we are practicing or scrimmaging against ourselves. The other small percent of the time we are competing and testing ourselves against others. This is the best kind of feedback, and reflecting on a losing bout in a bad way is never going to help me improve. Instead I am thinking of situations that were hard, and trying to figure out what I can do different next time. I’m picturing the moments that our pack didn’t stop the jammer, and looking for ways to work together better. I have to admit that I did learn a lot from playing the Mid Iowa Rollers, and they exceeded my expectations. Part of me is mad and frustrated that this time they were better, but I am choosing to let that go and figure out how we can win next time.

A few weeks ago I realized with all my preaching about the mental game, I wasn’t taking my own advice. I know I fail at listening to my own words a lot, but I really thought I was on the ball with this one. Yes, I had gotten better about not getting upset, but I hadn’t purged myself of ALL negative thoughts. I pride myself on not talking back to the refs or challenging penalties, but I didn’t realize my knee-jerk reaction to make snide comments when I returned to the bench. I didn’t feel bad about them because they were never directed to anyone, just said aloud. “Well THAT was a directional block…” It's not good for anyone to hear garbage on the bench, but it's even more important not to hear it come out of the mouth of their Alternate Captain.

I had a moment this last bout that I was about to say something negative as I sat down and I quickly covered my mouth. Tyna looked at me concerned and asked if I was going to puke, but I explained that I was just holding back word vomit. I recognized my negative thought, let it go, and quickly forgot about it. Just that moment of recognition, and changing my behavior before it happened, made me a much better skater. I didn’t hide behind the bench, despite not scoring a single point in the first half, and ended up the highest scorer on our team for the night with 39 points in the second half. That felt good.

I am nothing without my blockers. Photo by KORfan.

Letting go of those bad moments, clinging to the good ones, and maintaining a bit of hope can do a lot to turn your game around. Usually when I look at the scoreboard it's a matter of, "can we still win this??" I had to keep pausing and telling myself to stop caring. It's not a carelessness like giving up, but more of a re-focusing of energy. Instead of worrying about how the jammer just went to the box and what was on the scoreboard, I would look at what I could do next. I tried to take in each jam as they came, letting them go once they were over, and moving on to the next. I felt that I succeeded in this mental strategy and can work on it more as we go into another hard bout.

Human beings are highly emotional creatures, but we also come with the ability to choose. I think in this technological age, we’re all getting used to instant gratification, but we have to remember that most change comes from self-discipline, patience, and hard work. I’m not going to become a better jammer by willing it, and I’m definitely not going to improve by saturating my brain with negative thoughts. It’s my life, I have to choose to work towards the way I want to live it. 

"Fear, anger, and sorrow are all parts of life. You can't make them go away by wishing it. Emotions pass like clouds in the sky. Meanwhile, you always have the power to choose how you will respond. You may feel afraid, but you don't have to behave fearfully. Emotions are not destiny." Dan Millman Body Mind Mastery: Training for Sport and Life

Win or Lose, it's How You Survive the Game

Wow, I really haven't written since before our very first bout of the season? It's been so long, even blogger has changed its layout on me.

The past six months have been a bit hectic. Last December I started a new part-time job working as a production assistant for the local news station. It's been really fun, and more in line with my interests for a career. However, it came with a catch: a 4am to 9am shift. I could have worked the evening shift, but since the roller derby monster ate my life, I must work around our practice schedule. It's also in Cedar Rapids which means dishing out more money on gas and having some expensive car problems. You win some, you lose some.

The last post was the eve-eve of our first WFTDA bout, which was of course also against the #2 team in our region (and arguably #1 now). We lost of course, but I found a small victory in keeping my head in the game and doing the best I could. Then MNRG sent their Rockits down here and somehow I lost my head again. Loss number two for the season. After almost a month of me trying to up the mental training for everyone, and tightening our teamwork, we had a successful bout in Sioux City, winning 175 to 111. Like the first time we played them, we were down at the half and came back for the W.

EAT THE BABY!
Photo by Jim Lee

 A couple weeks later we had a busy weekend in Chicago, with our Beta B team winning over the Shade Brigade and suffering our third All-Star loss to the Syndicate. In the beginning of May we traveled up to play Killamazoo and after a steller first half, we gained our fourth loss due to a penalty craze in the second half. (Although we won the shit out of the after party.) The end of May I got to stand at the sidelines as I watched our fresh meat become bouting skaters against the Push-Up Brawlers.

Now we're in the home stretch of spring bouting. The first weekend of June, we played the Des Moines Derby Dames and pulled out a last minute win there. Then this past weekend we tested ourselves by traveling ten hours, playing two bouts, and one of those teams was a top ten regional team. Overall, I feel like it was a successful weekend. Saturday we played the Ohio Rollergirls in a tough but exciting conclusion to their triple-header evening. Despite losing, I really feel like we stepped up our defense and performed amazingly. I started out the bout on shakey jammer legs, and after throwing a small fit, Tyna started blocking me more. I do love jamming, but blocking is so much fun. The following morning we played a closed bout against Demolition City, who lost similarly to Ohio the night before. It started out pretty close and the action stayed heated the whole time. Their blockers hit comparable to Ohio, and had some awesome teamwork. We just focused on shutting down their jammers and ended up with one victory to bring home. You win some, you lose some.

We got new unifroms and I chopped off most my hair.
Photo by Patrick Bloom

I hate losing.

Right now I feel like the point differential for my life is negative and I'm being lapped. I decided it was a good idea to live on my own this fall, but money is tight and it's going to be hard. Growing up is getting more and more difficult and I have to start making adult decisions. Currently I have many different variables pulling at my sanity and I'm not sure which ones should give. There are times, and I'm sure plenty of people outside of derbyland think that I should, but I have thought about quitting derby. At this point I can't fully justify dropping it, and I'm definitely not done with it yet. I've learned so much from this sport, and one major theme has been to never give up. I've been doing a lot of whining and pouting, when I should be looking for more solutions to my problems.

A specific derby moment ingrained in my memory is when we played our toughest bout against a version of the Minnesota All-Stars a little over a year ago. I had never before been shut down that hard during a jam, and I have referenced it painfully many times since. Vuedoo and the other girls in light blue were wiping the floor with my face and there wasn't a single thing I could do but get up and keep trying. I started to lose it mid-jam and after getting knocked down for the millionth time, I just wanted to skate of the track and cry. I no-doubtedly crumpled behind the bench and cried afterwards, but at the time there was nothing I could do but keep skating. I specifically remember that moment of panic, exhaustion, humiliation and total frustration that took over. I mentally gave up but physically kept skating, and I feel like I have been half-assedly living my life the same way. If I stopped filling my mind with negative garbage and spent more energy taking charge of my life, instead of throwing pity-parties, maybe I wouldn't constantly feel like I am drowning.

I know I write a version of this post every few months when I'm starting to majorly freak out about something. I've been feeling a small twange of optimism lately, and I am hoping I can hold on to that and swim my way out of this rip-tide.

The Nights Before Boutday...

Two sleeps before bouting, and all through derbyhaus,
rank smelling gear could kill a small mouse.

The WFTDA patches were sewn on the jerseys with care,
with hopes that the rankings would give them their share.

Cats laid on boutfits, strewn all over my bed,
while visions of lead jams played out in my head.

From Animal's room you could hear a tap-tap
as she pretended to sleep while playing the words with friends app.

When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter
I stumbled over my gear bag to see what was the matter.

Into a dark corner Henry ran with a flash,
and James flopped around, belly up, unabashed.

Spotting the table where clean bearings lay
made my stomach flop, remembering bout day.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a tiny unicorn with a gender unclear.

With a missing horn and a cape full of sparkles,
I knew at once that it must be 'parkles.

My nerves Herm noticed but gave me no blame,
but reminded me of my team, and called them by name.

There's BatR, and Baker, and Sugar and Jen.
Goldie, and Fi, Jane Bang, and then...

Pains, Animal, Trip, Glad, Lucy and Red,
they are all there for you- get out of your head!

On the line, with strong walls, at the front of the pack,
there are plenty of blockers, who've all got your back.

Around the track you will speed, over the apex you'll fly,
When you meet with an obstacle, you'll never say die....

(to be continued)