Eyes Up.

Blah. Blah. Blah. That's what most of my posts have been. Whining about what I DON'T have and what I WANT but not about what I should do to get there.

Well, yesterday I applied to two jobs and went to Cedar Valley to run a jammer practice for the Brawlers. Today I picked up 5 extra hours at the shop and went for a run. Minus the Wendy's I had last night, I have been getting back on the good food wagon, and remembering how tasty a salad can be. Take that life!

I keep dwelling in my frustrations which leads down a slippery, depressing slope. I've started to tap into a bit of motivation, so now I just need to hang onto it and keep pushing forward. I've also completely stopped doing any video which makes me sad, so I need to MAKE time for it. I have a bunch of random footage from Rollercon I never did anything with, and tons of bout footage to play with. WTF Deadwards?

So what motivates me?

MEDUSA 

"Never stop challenging yourself if you want to 

continue to improve as a skater."

Photo by Preflash Gordon

She's a driven, amazing skater for the Minnesota Rollergirls. I had the pleasure of taking one of her classes at Rollercon and love her style. She is also part of Team USA and featured recently on derbylife.

She also came down with the version of MNRG All-Stars that played us in June. Not only is she a great jammer, but a stealthy blocker. As a skater with a similar athletic background as me, and only a few years ahead on derby experience, she is definitely a skater I look up to. Keep an eye on her during North Central Playoffs.

London Rollergirls

They had an AMAZING showing at Eastern Playoffs last weekend, and proved that hard work pays off. As the pioneering league for Europe, being only five years old, and going into the tournament without a sanctioned win, they exceeded all expectations. I caught a majority of their bout vs Philly, and you could see them learn and adapt as they played. I was sad to miss most of their bout vs Montreal, but it was obviously a brilliant comeback from their 70 point loss to them at Anarchy in the UK. 

MRAAAAAAH!
Photo by KORfan.

My teammates.

The fresh meat have definitely been inspirational this year. Jenna JAMisON not only makes a great pet, but she has improved immensely and has let us throw her into bouting this season. Same with Outlaw Jessie Pains who I think has done everything from soccer to rugby, pushes me with her fancy footwork and endurance. Triple D Zaster has always been a skater that pushes me to skater harder and faster. Her drive and dedication to working out outside of practice reminds me how important cross-training is. Returning skaters like Ima Golddiggah, who has attended a 5 am body sculpting class since June, remind me to keep challenging myself. Did I mention how quickly she returned after having a baby? Toxic Sugar has probably been the most inspirational this year. Last season she injured her knee which led to surgery and a year+ being off skates. Could we get rid of her? Nope. Despite her frustration, being a mom of four and deciding to go back to school, she attending nearly every practice and became a valuable off skates member of the team. She has handled an intense amount of internal work for the team; everything from setting up bouts to pushing us through our apprenticeship. She is the glue that holds our team together and now she is returning to skates, which I'm sure terrifying for anyone after injury. 

Myself 

Lately I've been pretty down on myself and focusing too much on what I can't do. Reminding msyelf what I have done and what I'm capable of is inspiring to get myself back in that good place. The Roller Derby Workout Challenge got me in great shape earlier this year and I felt unstoppable on the track. With Animal Mother by my side, I helped cultivate a crop of new skaters that are looking amazing on the track. I have edited some awesome videos including a whole 20 minute documentary on our team. I went to Rollercon and have been meeting amazing people all over the world! Did I mention I've gotten MVP twice this year and get multiple shout outs on the Derby Deeds Podcast? (I'm kind of a big deal.)

Knowing I can take out a speed skater like Stella Italiana adds a boost of confidence.
Photo by KORfan

Reconstruct.

In an ideal world I would be playing as much roller derby as possible, traveling and creating video. Some sort of unlimited funds would be necessary to buy all the video equipment, software, and resources I need, alongside unlimited time for the editing process. Those same funds would pay for travel expenses to attend every tournament, bootcamp and championship as well as living. I am far from this ideal which leaves me wondering, what the hell AM I doing?

Right now I’m sitting in the Iowa Public Radio office across from John Pemble as he renders a video on some local bands that I helped him produce. It’s 5:15 am and I am remembering what hard work and mental perseverance can accomplish. I’m tired and wish I was fast asleep after a night of partying, but in this insatiable world, instant results have better success.

All weekend I ran around a span of blocks in downtown Des Moines with a flip camera, getting footage of local and national music acts at the 80/35 festival. I’m ‘doin a job’ but love this close interaction with artists who are passionate about creating. Being here also reminds me of a lot of old friends and memories with bands that reconnect me with another time. It kind of grounds me for a moment as I think about things and people I once wanted in life and the direction I thought I was heading.

Listening to multiple artists talking about creating and doing what they love made me envious.

Driving in early on Friday also meant I got to log in some time with my dad, revealing how out of touch I am with my own family. It also makes me pressure myself into proving that I’m doing something with my life now that I’ve been out of school for over a year. Faced with the simple question of, “what have you been up to?” I find myself searching and only really coming up with “roller derby”.

Derby. Derby. Derby. If you’re reading this you can probably relate and are excited about all the things that have been keeping me busy. To outsiders of roller derby though, I can only imagine what it looks like I have been doing.  I’ve fallen deep into derbyland and have lost all sense of direction. I’m losing my creative edge and am forgetting there’s more to life. It’s not about giving anything up, but about finding a balance. I’ve definitely discovered what I am capable of and want to apply these things to more parts of my life.

Looking forward, July is a month full of derby even though this is the lull in our season. Although I am too poor to participate in the Blood and Thunder bootcamp that is happening later this week, as well as the Team USA preliminary tryouts, I will go up Saturday to watch other people play derby. The next weekend I decided to take up an opportunity to play some high level derby with the Mad Rollin dolls in Nebraska for a triple header with No Coast, Omaha and Ohio. Then the week after that is Rollercon. My excitement is squashed by the anxiety of stretching every penny and hoping I have enough for rent when I get back. It’s no way to live and I am the only one who can change it.

I go through these inspirational chats with myself every few months when life starts to catch up with me, so I can only hope that this motivation lives past the words on this screen. Going back to school may be the answer. Sacrificing some roller derby for a better paying job may be the answer. I’ve fallen into this gimme, gimme, gimme world of instant gratification and just need to buck up and make some short term changes that will have longer lasting effects.

-L4D

Product from the weekend that I had the most hand in.



Stuck Between College and a Job Place.

1 of 12 portraits I drew of my college roommate
for a class at the U of I.

‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ is a question posed to children probably every year after they start their educational career. The answers go through phases of reality. First are the imaginative princesses and cowboys, then the lofty presidents or rock stars and finally the more obtainable veterinarians, teachers or firefighters. By the time I wanted to be a vet, I was probably in fifth grade and that decision was based on the fact that I liked animals. Then I realized what vets really did and quickly changed my mind.

At a certain point, enough people praised me for being artistic and I liked to draw so… that was it. I was to be an artist. Later I also thought I would become a writer. Or a psychologist. Oh, maybe a journalist! My focus kept coming back to and remaining loosely on art so I started at community college to “figure it out” before I made it to a larger university. I apathetically took a variety of classes and left with an AA degree and still no concrete plan. I chose the University of Iowa next because Iowa State was too design oriented and I wanted to get into a “real" art program. My next grand idea was to become a photographer because that could have both practical and artistic futures. So I took a class but decided photo majors took themselves too seriously. As filler, I had taken an Intermedia class which I ended up liking and graduated Iowa with a BFA in.

I’m all “grown up” now and it has gotten me zero job and plenty of debt. I went through the cycle of school with just enough planning to keep me moving to the next thing, but then school ran out and I’m left wondering “what’s next?” That has since then snowballed into a deeper thought process about life. Thinking of it on a purely primitive level, we are created to procreate and raise a family. The cycle of life goes on and on, but that can’t be the point of it all, can it? The typical American values are kind of lost on me, marriage and kids, and working a 9-5. This typical mainstream livelihood just depresses me, especially when I’m constantly being surrounded with examples of marriages that don’t stick and seeing people whose personal problems stem from their parents. So my conclusion is that the point of life is to create a place in this world just for me and my happiness.

So what makes me happy? Currently I make coffee for minimum wage and never fill a forty hour workweek. It’s easy and flexible, but I struggle to make ends meet and let’s not think about the debts I need to pay off. It’s depressing and frustrating and hopeless, but I survive because I also play roller derby in the meantime.

I don't know how they put up with me, really.

Ah, roller derby. It’s starting to become a cliché it seems, that “roller derby saved my life!” But I know without it I would be completely lost and alone. Everyone I know, hang out with, and even live with is someone from my derby world. It gives me something to think about, plan for, and create for. I never wanted to be a teacher or anything that required me to interact with lots of people. I didn’t want anything to do with commercial art because I thought it was too technical. I was always told I was artistic and creative but never fully believed in it, so I never pushed myself to really become an “artist.” Now derby has dumped all my absolutes at the door, and left me wondering what I really want to do with my life.

Creating some of the posters for the
team has made me want to take some
design classes.

I went through seventeen years of school and never fully committed to anything I wanted to be, and then in two years of roller derby I’ve come to a few conclusions:

I enjoy a full contact sport. 

I would be in heaven if I could wear only leggings the rest of my life.

I actually can get along with women. 

I like design, networking and advertising after all.

I can only play a bone breaking sport for so long, but now I have a better idea of what else I can be passionate about. It has led me to think about taking some more classes and striving for a practical job that I actually want. I've just been doing things to do things and when I pictured myself at thirty recently, it was blank. It’s kind of nice to live day to day and do only enough to get by, but I like the idea of living above the surface instead of floundering below it.

 I also became one of the coaches for our fresh crop of new skaters. It’s not a position I had pictured myself doing, as it falls into the category of teaching and that was something I had crossed off my list long ago. The opportunity presented itself and I found myself really wanting to do it. The whole teacher thing finally clicked with me, that when it’s something you are passionate about, you want to share with other aspiring people the knowledge you have.

Running some dryland footwork drills with the fresh meat.

I have always had ideas about life… goals and aspirations, but they never really seemed to make it out of my head. It seems that in this recent assessment of my life, the whole world has opened up. I realize that all I have been doing is bitching and moaning and suggesting to myself how life should be instead of taking action to achieve it. I have got to take a cue from Left 4 Deadwards and just dive into the rest of my life head first. I know I have the potential to do everything I want, I just need to shut up and do it.

-Deadwards

Skate or Die.

I’ve started packing in preparation for my move later this week. Another year, another move in Iowa City it seems to have become… Oh yeah. Did I mention I was staying in Iowa City this fall?

I graduated in May and originally intended on moving back to Des Moines, but the more and more I thought about it, it just didn’t make sense. I had no real plan and no career waiting for me, so why not just stick around IC, relax and figure things out?

Ok, ok. I really stayed for roller derby.

It’s a love affair I can’t deny. Yes, if I moved I would still play. Yes, there are teams in other cities, and two in Des Moines in fact, but it would not be the same. If there’s anything sure about my life right now, it is roller derby, and with the Old Capitol City Roller Girls. I’m going on a year and half with a nearly two year-old team, so I’ve had a hand in shaping it through its infancy. We have all put our blood, sweat and tears into this team and it’s not something you can just drop. I’ve grown attached to each of these girls and boys whether I want to punch them in the face some days, or smother them with derby love other days. They’re my family.

The minute you put skates on and get your feet wet with derby, it is there to stay. It doesn’t stay just as a hobby or a weekend activity either, because you could not fathom a life without it anymore. It has shaped me into who I am now. It was the force that finally got me to stop smoking. Skating with burning lungs was terrifying and I just never picked up another one, for over a year now. (I quit cold-derby, you see.) It’s boosted my self esteem, (and maybe inflates my ego a little too much sometimes), helped me make friends in a city I was new to, and given me something to strive for. I bleed derby. I sweat derby. I live everyday for derby.

If I’m going out for a beer, it’s probably with someone from derby. If I’m working on a project, it’s probably something for derby. If I’m going shopping, it is probably for another boutfit for derby. This week I’m moving in with different roommates, Animal Mother and Zdork, a skater and ref from derby. Welcome to the derby house.

I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do with an art degree, but I know that I am going to keep playing derby. 

-L4D

PS. This post is dedicated in the deepest of derby love for Toxic Sugar. She had a bad fall on her knee at practice last week, and is having pre-scheduled leg surgery later this week. Send her good vibes so she recovers quickly! Love you Sugar!!!!

Whip It, a review.

Last October when I filed into the Coralridge Mall movie theater with my fellow derby girls to check out Whip It, Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, I didn't feel too strongly about it one way or another. I think we all had to like it because our rouge sport was getting a bit of coverage on the big screen, but I instantly realized this movie was more about growing up an "alternative" teenager instead of roller derby.

I just finished the book by Shauna Cross by which the movie was based off of, and it definitely cemented the fact that it was about the struggles of growing up Bliss Cavendar and how roller derby helped her along the way. I can definitely relate to her teenage struggle against her parents, the mainstream and yearning for freedom.. but for me this is about 8 years too late. Although, I can't even fathom throwing roller derby into the dramatic mix of my high school years.

I was an athlete in high school, but became very discouraged by petty attitudes from teammates and the overall structure and control the school had over it. By senior year I had dropped softball and basketball, things I had played all my life. A need to return to this active part of my life I lost, and my competitive spirit is what brought me to roller derby in the first place. It's an open, welcoming organization that gives everyone a hand in the athletic and organizational aspects which ultimately lead to its success. But like Bliss, people who aren't normally drawn to being an athlete can find their niche in the derby world. It is a much larger thing than just playing a sport.

I was a poster girl as was Bliss Cavendar.

Cross did a good job of exploring the different conflicts that often plague a 16 year old girl's life. Fighting with parents. Lying to parents. Hating your parents. Having a break through with your parents, and finally understanding your parents. Crushes on boys. Dating boys. Boys breaking your heart. Getting over the boy.  Explosive, heartbreaking fights with your best friends, bitchy girl nemesis, awful high school jobs, and struggling to find yourself. For Bliss, or Babe Ruthless, derby helped her discover confidence, an accepting group of friends and what is really important in life.

Cross did a good job of telling a story I could relate to nostalgically, but what I really wanted was more roller derby. But, I guess I already made a movie about that...


-L4D

and remember. NEVER date a boy in a band.

Eat, Sleep, Live Derby.

(note: sorry to change the format of my blog, but it was really bothering me that the text was very confined so you could never fully see pictures or video. hope this works better!)

So, my screening is in like four days and... I'm still not done. I'm making good progress, I think it would have been done a week ago if I didn't have other obligations like classes... sleeping... eating.. taking showers. I knew editing would take lots of time, but I did not anticipate exactly how much time that would be. Perhaps I'm just trying to put in more than I should ..but there's so much to derby it's hard to leave stuff out. The past few days I was feeling rather iffy about the direction of some stuff but I think tonight I smoothed it out. Now I just need to tie it all together.. and as soon as I got home 20 minutes ago I wrote out exactly how it should go.. I wish I could go back now but I have to open so I should probably get some sleep and then just bust it out tomorrow. I'll HAVE to bust it out tomorrow. That's cutting it super close.

 (these awesome pictures were taken by Ofer Sivan for Yale Cohn's story on us for the Little Village. Check out the article!)

Oh yeah, and we have a bout on Saturday. I have had no time at all to think about it. I barely even have a boutfit together! ..but seriously. I feel like I'm going to do poorly because I haven't been able to completely focus at practice, and haven't gotten a lot of sleep.. at least I've been staring at derby footage for the past month so I've subconsciously been analyzing stuff.. hopefully it kicks into gear come Saturday...

And then I can relax! oh wait.. no. I still have three classes to pass! All three projects for each have been shoved to the side so I can finish this video. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to bust those out..but it'll happen and I'm sure they'll be shitty but at this point, I just wanna graduate and then pass out for a week. (which won't really happen either)


ok, sorry. A bit of a bitch fest. I'm just trying to unload my mind so I can go to sleep!

At practice the other night we had a team meeting and it was a conversation that I think made us all realize that ..we are kinda a big deal now. The things we talked about made us sound all professional and like we're moving into a very bright future. It's funny how much coordination and structure we have to apply to everything (and everyone) now that we've grown so much. In the beginning we were all on the same level and all just trying to figure it out. I just go to practice now and don't think twice about it. That first month I was terrified and had no clue that it would become 80% of my life. I never even intended on becoming a jammer..  It seems like we all just fell into place and just so naturally became this awesome beast.

Oh, and we also re-instated derby wives. :) The fresh meat who fell into my grasp was Trauma Queen. She plainly stated to me at practice one night that she wants to skate like me. ... This is a very bizarre thing to hear, and I'm probably an awful teacher but it's exciting to see people so eager.

Hope to see you friday AND saturday.
-L4D

Time to hit it or quit it.

Life is keeping me busy. Between work, school and derby I barely have time to nap anymore(hah). School and derby are causing interesting conflicts between each other.. I'm doing my BFA project on derby, but one of my intermedia classes is during a practice... I want to skate my ass off at the one practice I do attend.. but I want to capture everything in film... I've enlisted someone to help me film, but if I don't start actively molding the direction of this project, it's going to fall apart.
I have a meeting with my advisor this week which has got me frazzled, and realizing that I don't have much so far. It seems my helper, Mr. Blood, if anything is going to keep me sane and focused. I need to create a plan, get interviews and start setting up the structure of how this video is going to play out. I have large hopes and goals for this project, but I need to think in small, short term goals if I'm going to get anything done.

Relating more to the derby world, our bout is less than three weeks away! We just set up a FUNdraiser with Coldstone Creamery, derby chicks selling ice cream and obtaining some of the profits. Quinn had me whip up a quick flyer for it..

 

So, I'm finally figuring some things out on photoshop.. hah. I think we'll being having our famous Jello Shot Night FUNdraiser as well. It was a HUGE success last time, and tons of fun. Our uniform tops are ordered, half time entertainment scheduled (hapkido performance!),  all seems to be well on it's way to the bout! The nerve-racking thing is that we play away two weeks later, and then another home bout April 3rd! I guess this is what a real season is like..  Last year we only had like four major bouts.

Well, I've got a lot to do the next few weeks! I'm excited and scared..

-L4D

Shut Up and Skate.

March 13th is our first home bout of the season, which leaves less than four weeks to get ready for it. Practice is merely one aspect of preparation for a home bout, the production of the whole event falls on us. This is no club at school where there is extra staff that puts these events on, we are the staff and the talent. From promoting to setting up hundreds of chairs, everything gets done by us.

Behind the scenes, skaters are split up into various committees to make this process easier. I belong to the PR committee, which is responsible for spreading the word of derby via flyers, the media, and putting together the programs for the bout. I try to fanagle any scrap of artistic skills or access to equipment that I currently have to benefit this area. Having such a diverse team, we can all bring something to the table through all our various connections and backgrounds. I recently finished the picture for our "Four Leaf Clobber" bout poster:

 

I realized two things in the making of this picture; I have little knowledge of photoshop, and it's fun to beat people up digitally. It's practical skills like this, which could be applied to more everyday life, that makes me almost want to reconsider my choice of focusing on intermedia instead of something like graphic design. Although, cutting bits of footage from my flip reconfirms that intermedia is more challenging and open to more possibilities of working creatively.

Intermedia also keeps me from derby though, I have a class Wednesday nights that cuts into most of practice, which means I only scratch my skating itch once a week now. Yesterday I scratched it right through my tights and walked away with some rink rash.

As for my ongoing BFA project, I'm not as far as I would like to be. I've been gathering a lot of footage at random during practice, giving my flip to people who aren't skating to get various points of view. I need to just sit down and lay out a plan and set some goals so I don't get too far behind. Tynamite, who has been helping me out quite a bit at practice with filming, also gave me the idea of getting some footage of the daily lives of derby girls. It's a shock to most people that a majority of our team does not consist of college students. Tomorrow I plan on spending the afternoon at work with Fonda Cuffs, a very fine police officer. 

-Left 4 Deadwards